I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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