Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
