My friends, they love my intelligence
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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