ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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