life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
