I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
