walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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