I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
