It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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