so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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