I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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