No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
