I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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