i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
