Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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