found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
