I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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