she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Can I color on your dick again?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
