the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
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i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."