I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..