The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
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Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
be right there i have to get my cape
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.