Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
