LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
