I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
