I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
