Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
