Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The power of my boobs compel you
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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