You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
