One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
