Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
