i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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