i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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