it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
