Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
