i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We named our party play list daddy issues
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
