im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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