I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
