and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
