She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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