My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.