She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
