I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
