So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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