I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
