made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
FUCK WHALES
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
