There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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