OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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