Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
MIDGETS
????
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
