my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
