K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
