I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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