omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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