so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
