i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
