I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
