so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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