Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
