barbara walters just said penis...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
