I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
