i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
