So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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